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Bachelors: Being Single is Better Than a Bad Marriage
He got tired of being described as a playboy, a loser or a commitment-phobe, so he wrote this book, based on surveys of over a thousand unmarried men, to answer the question of why a growing number of eligible men were steering clear of marriage.
The overwhelming conclusion he came to was not that bachelors are afraid of marriage, per se, but rather that they are afraid of making a bad marriage by marrying the wrong person.
In 1980, only about 6 percent of men in their early 40s had never married but this number has now risen to 17 percent. More people of both sexes are opting out of legal marriage, as there are fewer social or religious pressures on people to get married.
In his survey, Weisman found three types of bachelors: 8 percent who never want to marry, 62 percent want to marry but who have unrealistic expectations for a wife, and about 30 percent who are undecided.
Four out of ten bachelors did not want children, three out of ten wanted children, with the rest being undecided.
Financial issues also played a role among these bachelors. Some low-income bachelors chose to remain single because they didn't think they could adequately support a wife and/or family. More affluent bachelors were afraid of a bad marriage leading to a messy divorce with their ex "taking them to the clearners" financially.
Weisman's research also punctured the myth that unmarried men were necessarily unhappy. "A compelling issue was how many of them had found contentment in a never-married life," he said. "They had created lives full of careers, friends and ambitions. It was not like they walk around all day worried about not being married."
Though he didn't really touch on men like me who remain unmarried by philosophy, I suppose I could be included with the 8 percent who don't want to marry, even though I fit one of the stereotypes he was trying to avoid. (I know, I know, I was once married, but my heart was never in it, and it was so brief, that I feel more like a bachelor than a divorced man).
Thoughts?
Couple of things. When I married the first time, it was under the "forever"
illusion. When I married the second time, I was honest about my faults
aspirations....so instead of commiting to "forever", we have commited to us
both living the lives we want. I know others will not like this, but part
of the problem is commiting to "forever" is a damn difficult thing to do.
I remember someone making a comment on why is it that you forever remain
divorced? I don't understand why that is a status. Was it to give women
respectability when she had children? I don't have a clue why men would. It
was a man who asked the question.
Today I believe there are just as many women staying single. Judo John
had it right when he said marriage should not be approached with a
"forever" attitude. When two people can be individuals and respect that
indivuality as a couple it enhances a relationship whether married or not.
True love also means letting go.
For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about marriage (probably the
upcoming wedding). From the very first, I've been clear on my belief that,
while our marriage could very well last until one of us dies, it could
not as well, and that's okay. By committing to marriage, we're
saying that we're going to make a good go of it, that while we may change
and the world around us may change, we're going to try to change together,
all the while acknowledging that for one reason or another our relationship
may not last. Likewise, we don't expect that our marriage will be the only
important relationship in either of our lives. Important, sure, but not
all-consuming or all-fulfilling. We're still individuals.
I think people are as different about marriage as they are about anything
else. We don't all live the same lifestyle in any respect. Some people
like the country, others the city, others the burbs. Some people find one
setting suits one point in their lives, another setting later. What I've
never understood is the need to get other people to make personal choices
like our own--like we need them to validate us.
