Living A Lie?
I've frequently heard the idea put forth that gay people should have equal rights to marry because they did not choose to be gay; that they were "born that way" and cannot choose who they love. Whether or not this is true, I cannot say one way or the other. However, it shouldn't matter why a person is gay; it's not something they should have to justify first before they can have the right to legal marriage
But some of the same people advocating gay marriage say that the option of legal marriage should not extend to nonmonogamous people. Indeed, conservative pro gay marriage advocate, Jonathan Rauch has categorically stated, "Anyone who can love two women can love one of them". In other words, he wants marriage to expand for gay people, but nonmonogamous people simply need to cut off one of their toes if the current marriage shoe doesn't fit.
Some gay people, trying desperately to be straight, have entered into heterosexual marriages, hoping this will "cure" them of homosexuality. This, with few exceptions, never works. Some suffer in silence with all the desperation that comes with living a lie, while others live one life publicly with their straight spouses and family while at at the same time expressing their true selves in secret. Eventually, many cannot stand either being a martyr or living a double life, so they finally come out of the closet, disrupting the lives of all around them, such as with former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey, who came out two years ago and resigned his post, after living for years in a heterosexual marriage and fathering children.
Happily, however, most gay and lesbian people nowadays no longer try to deny their basic natures nor enter into unions that go against their true sexual orientation.
I submit that this should become more prevalent with those whose natures are essentially nonmonogamous. Nonmonogamous people in monogamous marriages experience many of the same things as gay people in heterosexual marriages do: living as martyrs, or much more often, living a dishonest, double life.
Most nonmonogamous people enter into monogamous marriages. One difference the nonmonogamous have with monogamous gays is that there isn't really much of a movement pushing for the civil rights of nonmonogamous people. Further clouding the issue is that most NMs have not taken a good look at themselves and self identified as such.
But make no mistake about it; there are millions of people who are more suited for honest and open nonmonogamous relationships of various types. The high rates of adultery and multiple serial monogamous marriages leave no doubt in my mind that this is so
Such people would be happier by openly entering into nonmonogamous relationships of various types than by trying to deny their true inclinations and trying to squeeze themselves into the "one size fits all" model of monogamous marriage. And so would their monogamous spouses and families hurt by adultery, divorce, and multiple remarriages.
With both gays and nonmonogamous people free to openly enter into relationships of their own choosing, heterosexual, monogamous marriage would finally truly be a choice for those who are actually heterosexual and/or monogamous.
Thoughts?
I stand by my earlier comment about being willing to look at nontraditional
solutions to things. Ultimately, though, I guess you have to ask what the
purpose of civil marriage is. What legal needs does it fill, and is a
nonmonogamous marriage conducive to fulfilling these needs? I think that
would be a starting place to answer the question you've posed.
Since I was one of those straight people married to a closeted gay man, I
especially understand the emotions involved with this. Many people enter
into marriage, with unrealistic ideals about marriage, I for one would have
personally been one who would have prefered an honest and open
relationship. This is just me, but I have a feeling many other people feel
the same as I do. You have to be honest with yourself first before you can
be honest with other people.
I think if nothing else, people should be put in positions of having to
examining themselves closely before taking the step of marriage. They
should NEVER get married for any reason except that is the exactly right
thing to do. Fixing things or meeting societal expectations don't count.
I left my other comment on gay marriage on your book review before reading
this post and won't repeat my agreement with you there.
