Polyamory, Swinging, and Libertinism
posted Friday, 26 May 2006
Recently, I've been frequenting a polyamory message board. Even though polyamory isn't an exact fit for me, there is enough common overlap that many of the posts there I find relevant.
Not too long ago, I read a post from someone who was interested in the polyamorous lifestyle. In one post, she compared it to her knowledge of swingers:
Quote
First, my childhood friend of 20+ years who is a swinger is my model for that life style... He runs with a group of ~6 couples +/- a few. They are good friends, celebrate special occasions together, and have parties where they have sex. Although they are good friends, "love" is not a part of their lifestyle. They are also more fluid in having people come and go. He talks about sex just being sex and there are emotional things you keep special for your partner.
Reading this post, along with others outlining how polyamory works, I was again reminded of how both these nonmonogamous lifestyles differ from libertinism.
The main distinction libertinism has from both forms of nonmonogamy is that it's independent, both sexually and emotionally.
As in the swinging lifestyle, my sex life isn't primarily about love, though that can and does occur on occasion. Unlike swingers, however, I am not emotionally monogamous, nor do I pursue my sex life as a couples activity, where all my additional partners come in twos. Nor does my primary lover normally accompany me when I have sex with others. She knows I do it, but it's a don't ask, don't tell kind of a deal. She doesn't want the details.
Like polyamorous people, I am not emotionally monogamous. Unlike them, it's not really about committment -- it's not like "expanded monogamy". Though I have a primary lover, with whom I spend the largest amount of my nonsexual time with -- it's the nonsexual aspects that tends to define "primariness" more than the sexual -- I've never lived with any of my primaries over the years, and don't wish to, as I am, at base, emotionally independent.
Nor would I ever enter into a legal marriage or a marriage-clone relationship. Most of my primary relationships tend to last two or three years, then we both tend to move on, usually drifting into the next phase, rather than having any dramatic breakups. As with swingers, the cast of lovers, primary, secondary and down the line tends to be fluid, with the shifting occurring much more frequently the further down the line of connection one goes.
So far as "cheating" goes, it's kind of a nonconcept for me, as I'm playing a radically different "game" with fewer rules. I don't make committments or promises to my lovers, so "cheating" wouldn't really enter the picture. However, I value honesty as much as any poly person does, so being dishonest about my intentions -- promising a commitment, for example -- or about what I'm all about, would be about the only way I'd apply that word in my life.
Thoughts?
sound off! (3)
1. Nutsy Fagan left...
Friday, 26 May 2006 3:05 pm
I can only speak for myself when I say that I don't want any other man.
Even if I have a fleeting "pull" or "flirtation", it only makes me hotter
for my husband. We are together almost 15 years and I have yet to find
anyone even remotely as sexy to me.
2. Paula Reed left...
Friday, 26 May 2006 4:50 pm
What RHG says makes perfect sense to me. Men just think of sex differently
than women, by and large. Funny, because institutional monogamy was
originally about men being sure whose offspring was whose.
3. Liveandlearn left...
Saturday, 27 May 2006 8:39 am :: http://chrysalis.blog-city.com
Interesting post as usual!
