Lately, I’ve read some blogs written by people struggling with unconventional sexual ideas and lifestyles; people torn between their own desires and conventional sexual mores in our culture. After reading a few such blogs, I decided to list what has worked for me in my chosen lifestyle, to hopefully be of some help to those struggling with questions and conflicts about lifestyle options.

A High Libido

Naturally, only those with high libidos would be attracted to libertinism in the first place. Those with more sedate sex drives probably are more content with more conventional lifestyles.

A second related component is a desire for sexual variety both in types of experiences and partners. One can have a relatively high libido, yet still be satisfied with a conventional marriage if one does not require a lot of variety, especially if one happens to marry someone with an equally high libido. Libertines, however, need a good bit of variety in their sex lives, as well as frequent sex, in order to be completely satisfied.

The Ability to Compartmentalize

It is essential to be able to separate sex from love, and to be able to value each separately in order to be a libertine without internal conflicts.

This is not to say that those who cannot separate sex from love must always be strictly monogamous, but neither do such people make good libertines. Polyamorous relationships, which entail the same commitment as traditional monogamous marriage, but have more than two partners, might work for those who desire some sexual variety, but are still uncomfortable with casual sex without emotional ties. Polyamory is a midway point between traditional monogamy and libertinism.

A Clear Choice

The libertine lifestyle is best entered into by conscious choice. Many people drift into promiscuous sex lives without any thought or consideration. Such people tend to be highly conflicted about their actions, believing one thing, but doing another. Some vacillate between sexual freedom and a more conventional lifestyle, which is a recipe for trouble.

Anticipate Consequences and Accept Responsibility for One’s Actions

This goes along with the difference between actively choosing this lifestyle and just drifting into it. In order to make an informed positive choice to engage in a sexually unconventional lifestyle, one needs to be completely aware of any possible consequences that may result, however remote, and be willing to take total responsibility for one’s actions. Libertinism is something one must enter into with their eyes wide open, which I cannot stress enough.

Honesty

This goes along with taking responsibility for one’s actions. For libertinism to be an ethical and respectable choice, one must be totally honest. First, one must be honest with oneself. A libertine must fully accept their sexual nature and not be ashamed to admit it to others.

Second, one must tell any potential new lovers upfront that you are not monogamous and to give them the opportunity to either walk away or to make a fully informed choice to engage in a sexual relationship with you. The nature of the relationship must be clear to all parties at the very beginning in order to avoid trouble further down the road.

Third, one’s beliefs must be congruent with one’s actions. If you say one thing and do another, you are not a libertine. You are a cheater.

Independence

A successful libertine lives by the mantra “to thine own self be true”. One must be able to do what is right for them, without concern for one’s “reputation”, what others think, or what “everyone else” thinks or does.

Independence also involves respecting your partners’ autonomy and to avoid possessiveness and excessive jealousy, and by choosing partners who similarly respect your autonomy. Jealousy, when it occurs, must be handled in a rational manner, and treated like the negative emotion it is.

Out of the Box Thinker

Related to independence, it helps if a libertine is an “out of the box” thinker, to be a natural questioner in general, not just about sexual mores. The ability to rationally and objectively look at things from the outside in helps immensely in the libertine lifestyle.

Time and Other Responsibilities

Although one always makes time for what is important in their life, other responsibilities can affect the choice to be a libertine.

It is usually easier to be a libertine if one is legally unmarried and does not currently have ongoing daily responsibilities to a number of other people, such as a large family of underage children or taking care of elderly parents, for example. I was a single parent to one son, but I had grandparent help in raising him, which allowed me to pursue my chosen lifestyle to a large degree.

Many people are philosophically libertines, but do not have sufficient time to pursue such a lifestyle because of these other responsibilities. Usually, in such a case, they either pursue it on a very limited, part time basis or wait until their responsibilities lessen.

Life History/upbringing

Libertinism usually comes easier to those who were brought up in freethinking, liberal families that were not strongly religious, and that were free of sexual or other forms of abuse.

To sum up, libertinism isn’t for everyone. As with all choices in life, there are tradeoffs, but for those with the maturity, desire, and the courage to handle an unpopular lifestyle choice, the rewards can be many.

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