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Weighty Matters, Part II: My Aunt Barbara
Yesterday, my post was about weight prejudice. One might wonder why
would I, a naturally thin person who has never had a weight problem,
be concerned about this matter or have opinions that differ from the
majority of people in our society.
Awhile back, I wrote about how some experiences in my father's
childhood affected his views about black people, teaching him racial
tolerance in a place and time where such tolerance was not common, nor
expected. The same is true for me in regards to fat people.
One of my father's younger brothers, a slim, handsome man, married an
extremely fat woman. Aunt Barbara wasn't just an average, everyday
fat person, she had to have weighed in the neighborhood of 500 pounds.
But that didn't matter to my uncle. He loved her to distraction. She
didn't have to be beautiful so that he could love her; she was
beautiful to him because he DID love her.
And she was. She was a good wife, a good mother, and a good neighbor.
Yes, the first thing you noticed about her was her immense size, but
as you got to know the kind, loving, and decent person she was, you
eventually forgot about her size and just thought of her like
you did anyone else. She wasn't "that grotesquely fat woman"; she was
just Aunt Barbara to me.
When I was around ten years old, my father's side of the family had a
family reunion at another aunt's house. One afternoon, Aunt Barbara,
along with several others, went outside to the horse pasture to visit
with several of my other aunt's horses. Several of my teenaged
cousins stayed behind to watch TV, and I decided to hang with the "big
kids".
As soon as the adults had left, one of my female cousins went into the
room where my uncle and Aunt Barbara were staying and came out with a
pair of her jeans. She was laughing as she held them up, commenting
on how big they were and something about covering the barn's roof with
them. Everyone else laughed their asses off. My cousin then stepped
inside them, telling everyone to get in, too, that there was plenty of
room.
I'm ashamed to admit that I laughed too, but it wasn't wholehearted.
I felt uncomfortable, realizing how hurt Aunt Barbara would be if she
were to walk in at that point, and knowing how good she'd been to
every one of us in the room. And I knew that my parents had brought
be up to believe that everyone deserved respect unless they showed you
otherwise.
Eventually, I just left the house, unable to totally join into their
fun. I thought a lot about this in the years to come. Remembering
this, along with having fat friends and relatives of various sizes
that I cared about, made me view fat people and the issue of body size
much differently than is common or expected in our society.
I'm very lucky to have had an Aunt Barbara…
I remember some of the guys I hung out with in the National Guard joking
about their "fuck list" and what they did was basically compose a list of
people they had to sleep with - a blonde, a brunette, a waitress, a fat
woman, a goth.
For proof they would take items such as.. a razor blade necklace, a lock of hair, or in the large woman's case.. her bra.
I admit at the time I thought it was all pretty funny. I was 19 and had the "perfect figure".
As I've gotten older and things on my body have shifted - shrinking or expanding - I've thought about how cruel that really was. On so many levels.
Jane
Really. No one is perfect.
It's an old adage, but for evil to continue only requires that good men say
nothing. Probably, if you had said something the others would have felt
awkward or embarrassed because it wouldn't be a joke any more. Not easy to
go against the flow when you're a teenager.
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I was only ten years old and they were teenagers. It's not as
if they'd have listened to me.
I rmember when I was in second grade, my best friend was this kid Mike
Kreh, and I remember one time we were talking about why we were friends,
and I think I said I liked him because he let me borrow his eraser, but I
know he said he liked me because I didn't make fun of him for being fat. It
just wasn't something that it occurred to me to make fun of someone for. Of
course, he and I went on to make fun of lots of other people, mostly for
being stupid, as we saw it.
So much for claiming any moral superiority for my second-grade self!
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He probably remembers your friendship to this day.
Every once in a while we all fall into the trap of "mob psychology". The
important thing is that we don't linger there very long.
Good point.
I knew a guy once who collected sexual trophies, and only did it for
variety. I know what Jane means.
Sometimes it's so much easier to laugh along, even if you don't agree with it. Really good post, W.
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Thanks
I will never understand the prejudism towards obesity nor how easy it is
for society to mock and belittle those with weight issues. Would anyone
point and laugh at a person in a wheelchair or someone afflicted with
perhaps Down's Syndrome? Yet, for some reason, it is quite all right to
view fat people as something less than human therefore quite open to
ridicule. The body is merely a package which encases a soul, just like
everyone else wandering this planet. Thanks for your post, Libertine, it
was great.
Staci [hugahay@hotmail.com]
You're welcome.
My best girl friend in high school was twice as big as me. People picked
on her weight constantly, and I always defended her, because I saw a side
of her that they didn't bother to.
As far as "trophies" go, I think that a guy would have to steal a large woman's bra, because they are very expensive, and I don't know too many women willing to give one up to a near-stranger.
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After
reading your comment, I googled "large bra size" and found a few sites that
sell them. You're right, fifty bucks a bra and more is no small
change.
While I think it's cruel to belittle someone for being overweight, I don't
think it's fair (except in rare cases) to draw a parallel to genetic
diseases like Down's Syndrome. Genetic diseases result from defective
chromosomes, which can't be changed, whereas obesity is often controlable.
I used to be about 40 pounds overweight, because I ate crap and never
exercised. That was a choice, not something I was born with. Part of the
reason I decided to get in shape was society's perceptions, for better or
for worse. I'm happier now and I'm better at things I enjoy like hiking
and skiing, so I actually benefited from that societal expectation. That
having been said, I'm not trying to justify disrespecting people, just
offering a different experience. Good post.
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While I agree that body type isn't a totally accurate
comparison to Down's Syndrome, I think it can be controlled -- in the long
term -- to a limited degree. You may be able to make an orange a bit
smaller, but you won't turn it into a banana. It's probably more
comparable to changing the color of one's hair, in that one must keep dying
hair to keep it a certain color as nature has programmed it to be something
different. Some thin people get fat because of bad habits, but others are
born to it.
But even if some fatness is a choice, it's still a
private personal matter. Some people have different priorities in their
lives other than physical fitness and we all have to decide what is most
important for ourselves and respectfully allow others to do the same.
And a distinction must be made between getting fit and just merely losing
weight, as not all thin people are fit, nor are all fat people sendentary.
Most football players and wrestlers would be considered "overweight" by
height/weight charts and BMI charts. Google "Lynne Cox" to read about the
"overweight" long distance swimmer who swam the Bering Straits. Certainly
not an activity for the unfit.
Being is shape is great and eating well is wonderful, but remember the
human race has only gotten to where it is because of your body’s ability to
store fat. Not that long ago thin people died, even now that can be
true.
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Right. The human body was designed to slow the metabolism
during times of famine in order to survive. The human body cannot tell the
difference between a famine and a self imposed diet, and because famines
have been eradicated in the western world, it's not surprising we have more
fat people now.
I agree with your analogy (oranges/bananas). I understand it's more of a
challenge for some people than others to lose weight; I'm somewhere in the
middle and I know both people who have it easier and people who have it
harder than I. I think all I really wanted to say is that it wasn't a fair
comparison. If people have made choices and are happy with them, more
power to them.
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I compared obesity to Down's Syndrome because I see it as a disease. Yes,
there are people who are fat simply because they eat more than they burn up
and really do not care to exercise. There are also those whose genetics and
mental health issues push them into such a state.
I think there are many facets and causes to this problem and I do believe everyone who has commented has covered this issue.
So, I am done beating the dead horse.
